Commentary:
OMG! What a tragedy! Who could have ever predicted this tragic outcome? Perhaps the most tragic thing of all is that our burning question "Who WOULD win in a cage match?" will never be answered. It was a close battle up until the very end. Did CS have the upper hand in the final moments before the duos demise? Perhaps, but we'll never know for sure.
Now I know that some of you may be angered by this conclusion. You may think that it is some sort of cop-out, an easy escape from having to answer a particularly difficult question. So to appease those of you who feel this way I decided to ask Arthur Vanderhorst, head of the Department of Zoology at UBC, who would win in such a scenario:
To: <vanderho@zoology.ubc.ca>
Sent: Wednesday, October 29, 2003 1:56 PM
Subject: City Squirrels vs. Mountain Squirrels
> Hello,
>
> My name is Ardarvin, an Engineering graduate of UBC. I was wondering
> if I could ask you a quick question? It may sound a little ridiculous,
but here goes...
>
> If a squirrel from the city (say one of those large black ones you see
> everywhere on campus) was to fight a squirrel from the mountains (the
little
> ones which run around the rocks in Squamish) who would win?
>
> I'm looking for some sort of scientific reasoning behind the answer.
Chances
> are squirrels aren't your specialty, but could you perhaps forward this
> email to the appropriate person?
>
> Your help is greatly appreciated.
>
> -ardarvin
Arthur Vanderhorst replied:
To: <ardarvin@gmail.com>
Sent: Thursday, October 30, 2003 10:15 AM
Subject: RE: City Squirrels vs. Mountain Squirrels
>Squirrels, especially the
males are territorial, so size doesn't really
>matter much. A dominate male will fend and fight off any outside intruders
>(squirrels ) no matter what their size is. When the female gives birth
to
>young, they too become very protective, much like the behaviour of a bear
>sow, the moms even chase the males away. They instinctly know not to mess
>with their turf. So why would you want to know this?
Regards,
Arthur R. Vanderhorst
Hmmm, even the experts
seem to want to cop-out of answering this particularly difficult question.
So I tried again:
To: <vanderho@zoology.ubc.ca>
Sent: Thursday, October 30, 2003 11:50 AM
Subject: RE: City Squirrels vs. Mountain Squirrels
To know the reason why I'm asking this question, you'd have to check out my website: www.buildering.net The site is about urban-climbing, climbing buildings and such. Squirrels have always been an underlying theme on the site (for some unknown reason... perhaps because they are such fantastic climbers), and someone once posed the question to me: "who would win in a fight... an urban squirrel or a mountain squirrel?" It's an interesting question, because it has close parallels to the relative strength of urban-climbers vs. rock-climbers.
So I decided to stage a make-believe "fight", which happens in two days. There is also a poll on the site, asking people who they think will win. Unfortunately at this moment in time I'm not really sure who should win, hence the reason I contacted you. I'm looking for some expert advice.
So territorial aspects aside... let's say we were to throw the two squirrels in a cage together, and they were both quite upset with each other. On a strictly physiological basis... who do you think would be the winner?
Be assured that the whole scenario is quite fictional, I'd never actually throw two angry squirrels in a cage together. Again, thank you so much for help.
-ardarvin
I have yet to hear back from Mr. Vanderhorst.
UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE
A mere three years after writing that last email to Mr. Vanderhorst, I received the follow reply:
To: <ardarvin@gmail.com>
Sent: January 12, 2007 11:20 AM
Subject: Sorry (Squirrel Fight)
Hello Ardarvin,
I must apologize for my late response but these things take time to properly understand and make analysis (based on a scientific basis). After much reasoning and discussing with my fellow colleagues (zoologists and animal physiologists) I have come to the (small t) conclusion that the mountain squirrel would win hands down. Urban squirrels eat leftover human food from dumpsters (McDonalds, Wendy’s and Timmy Ho’s) thus they are overweight and have higher fat count. On top of that urban squirrels do not have to range as far to find food. Mountain squirrels must be on alert for fox, wolves, bearcats and many other predators including large birds of prey.
As we would say in Langley, that mountain squirrel would open up a can of whoop ass on that fat urbanite…
Professionally speaking of course!
Regards,
Art
Arthur R Vanderhorst
Dept. of Zoology Animal Care
6199 South Campus Road
UBC Vancouver, B.C.
Canada, V6T 1W5
Well hey, thanks for getting back to me, and for taking the proper and required time to research a suitable answer.
Your conclusion puts to rest many a sleepless night wondering just who would win in a city squirrel vs. mountain squirrel cage match. The definitive answer is in, and I as well as the rest of the buildering.net readership greatly appreciate your research efforts.
Your email will certainly breathe new life into a mostly forgotten topic, and although it would be impossible to bring our beloved CS and MS back from their untimely demise for a sequel, perhaps with the magic of DVD bonus features we can look forward to a special-unrated-directors-cut alternate ending.
-ard