CS vs MS: The Finale
The definitive answer to that burning question: who would win in a cage match, City Squirrel or Mountain Squirrel?
*Spoiler Alert* Unfortunately both characters die, leaving the question of who WOULD win in said scenario unanswered.
Soo...I contacted Arthur Vanderhorst, head of the UBC Department of Zoology.
To: xxxxxxx@zoology.ubc.ca
Sent: Wednesday, October 29, 2003 1:56 PM
Subject: City Squirrels vs. Mountain Squirrels
> Hello,
>
> My name is Ardarvin, an Engineering graduate of UBC. I was wondering
> if I could ask you a quick question? It may sound a little ridiculous, but here goes...
>
> If a squirrel from the city (say one of those large black ones you see
> everywhere on campus) was to fight a squirrel from the mountains (the little
> ones which run around the rocks in Squamish) who would win?
>
> I'm looking for some sort of scientific reasoning behind the answer. Chances
> are squirrels aren't your specialty, but could you perhaps forward this
> email to the appropriate person?
>
> Your help is greatly appreciated.
>
> -ardarvin
To: ardarvin@gmail.com
Sent: Thursday, October 30, 2003 10:15 AM
Subject: RE: City Squirrels vs. Mountain Squirrels
Squirrels, especially the males are territorial, so size doesn't really matter much. A dominate male will fend and fight off any outside intruders (squirrels) no matter what their size is. When the female gives birth to young, they too become very protective, much like the behaviour of a bear sow, the moms even chase the males away. They instinctively know not to mess with their turf. So why would you want to know this?
Regards,
Arthur R. Vanderhorst
To: xxxxxxxx@zoology.ubc.ca
Sent: Thursday, October 30, 2003 11:50 AM
Subject: RE: City Squirrels vs. Mountain Squirrels
To know the reason why I'm asking this question, check out my website: www.buildering.net. It's about urban-climbing, i.e. climbing buildings and such. For some unknown reason, squirrels have always been an underlying theme on the site. Perhaps it's because they are such fantastic climbers. Anyway, someone once posed the question: "who would win in a fight...an urban squirrel or a mountain squirrel?" It's an interesting question, particularly because it draws close parallels to the relative strength of urban-climbers vs. rock-climbers.
So I'm staging a make-believe fight, using photoshopped images, which happens in two days. Unfortunately at this moment in time I'm not sure who should win, hence the reason I contacted you. I'm looking for some expert advice.
So ignoring territorial arguments, let's say we were to throw the two squirrels in a cage together, and they were both quite upset with each other. On a strictly physiological basis who do you think would be the winner?
Be assured that the whole scenario is quite fictional, I'd never actually throw two angry squirrels in a cage together. Again, thank you for help.
-ardarvin
Over three years after sending my response to Mr. Vanderhorst, I received the follow reply:
To: ardarvin@gmail.com
Sent: January 12, 2007 11:20 AM
Subject: Sorry (Squirrel Fight)
Hello Ardarvin,
I must apologize for my late response but these things take time to properly understand and make analysis (based on a scientific basis). After much reasoning and discussing with my fellow colleagues (zoologists and animal physiologists) I have come to the (small t) conclusion that the mountain squirrel would win hands down. Urban squirrels eat leftover human food from dumpsters (McDonalds, Wendy’s and Timmy Ho’s) thus they are overweight and have higher fat count. On top of that urban squirrels do not have to range as far to find food. Mountain squirrels must be on alert for fox, wolves, bearcats and many other predators including large birds of prey.
As we would say in Langley, that mountain squirrel would open up a can of whoop ass on that fat urbanite…
Professionally speaking of course!
Regards,
Art
Arthur R Vanderhorst
Dept. of Zoology Animal Care
6199 South Campus Road
UBC Vancouver, B.C.
Canada, V6T 1W5
Thanks for getting back to me, and for taking the proper and required time to research a suitable answer.
However, given that city squirrels are likened to builderers, and mountain squirrels to rock-climbers, I'm afraid your results are less than satisfactory for our buildering related audience.
Understand that we are appreciative of your research, however I'm afraid we are going to have to go with the results of another expert, of our own hiring, that is willing to skew the results in our favour.
If any less than scrupulous colleagues come to mind, please forward me their contact information.
-ardarvin
