A password will be e-mailed to you.

When Buildering Isn’t Buildering

Recently trending (for a minuscule portion of people who pay attention to such things) is a video of Kim Ja-in, Korea’s top female climber and Olympic representative, “buildering.”

Kim seems legit enough, her flash ascent of Spicy Noodle (5.14c) upholds its appellation, but this “buildering” video is fucking laughable. Is it? Yes. Are you sure? Yes I am.

Fret not if you know not. The internet is full of shiny sparkle pop, click bait, and fake news — but buildering.net is here to guide. How to know when buildering is not buildering:

  • If there’s catering, it isn’t buildering.
  • If it’s sponsored by Red Bull, it isn’t buildering.
  • If you’re the heir to the Red Bull empire and you kill a cop in a hit and run, dragging him 200m for good measure, it isn’t buildering. But you’ll never be charged. So ku-fucking-dos to you.
  • If you’re a member of Greenpeace or that “ex-dads get such a bum deal” movement, it isn’t buildering.
  • If you’re bouldering, it isn’t buildering — but 8 out of 10 aint bad.
  • If it was designed to be climbed, it isn’t buildering.
  • If you’re really, actually climbing a building, but using a Trublue auto belay device used by X-games speed climbers and people without friends, it isn’t buildering.
  • If it involves sexy Russian girls on rooftops, there’s a 90% chance it isn’t buildering. But enjoy it.
  • If the term “human spider” is used, not in reference to Alain Robert, it isn’t buildering.
  • If it’s in the Olympics, it isn’t buildering.
  • If Kendall Jenner hands you a Pepsi, it isn’t buildering.
  • If you are climbing a literal unending pile of shit, pursued by unseen existential dread, yet strangely have a boner, it isn’t buildering — but it is a dream worth Freudian analysis.
  • If you wake from said dream naked and duct taped to a wall, it isn’t buildering.
  • If you are rolling, flipping, vaulting, konging, under-barring, sliding, spinning, swooping, it isn’t buildering — but a million teenagers will tell you “it’s so much better.”
  • If it’s for GQ, it isn’t buildering.
  • If it exists within the Marvel or DC universe, it isn’t buildering.
  • If you find it in the Yellow Pages, it isn’t buildering.
  • If you’re commenting, editorializing, conjecturing, or posting on the internet, it isn’t buildering.